My chaos

"I've heard so many people tell those who suffer depression to just 'cheer up.' I wonder if they can really believe that it’s that simple.
Depression isn't just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just ‘has depression.’ You suffer from it. This is depression:
You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say 'nothing, I'm just tired.' Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they'll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of time you can push away the guilt.  
Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose...anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don't know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend you night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That's when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you'll be too scared to ask for the help you need.
You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.
Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.
Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.
Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.
Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight."
Welcome to my world.

K o m m e n t e r a
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Kommer inte skriva på denna bloggen så mycket, har skaffat en annan som jag ska använda ett tag.

Im not gonna use this blog as much anymore, created a new one ill use for a while.

Just so you know :)

K o m m e n t e r a
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I'm being helped.

K o m m e n t e r a
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29/11 2011 ♥

A whole year spent with you by my side, the love of my life.
Before I met you I could never imagine that someone like you actually existed, it wasn't real for me, this was not happening to me.
Love wasn't real for me, it didn't exist.

You've showed me what love actually is all about; it is to always care, never judge and always be there for each other. I've heard thoose things so many times but they've always proved me wrong. "If we don't love the flaws, we don't deserve the goods" right?

You make me laugh & you make my heart smile when Im with you.

I love you Lance Curran, today tomorrow and for always! ♥

"Love is when somebody gives you a shoulder to cry on.

Love is when somebody makes you laugh when you're sad.

Love is when you miss somebody whenever they are gone.

Love is when whenever you see that person you feel glad.

Loving somebody is choosing not to see their flaws.

A human being will never be perfect.

Everything that person does you will give a loud applause.

Cause in your eyes everything that person does is correct.

You want them to smile.

You would work extra just to be with that person.

Even if it would be just for a while.

Love is unconditional, that's the truth."

K o m m e n t e r a
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Forever song

If every word I said could make your laugh
I'd talk forever (together my Love)
I asked the sky just what we had
It show forever (together my Love)
If the song I sing to you could fill your heart with joy
I'd sing it forever (together my Love)

Forever, forever (Together)
I've been so happy loving you

Let the love I have for you
Live in your heart and be forever (together my Love)

Forever, forever (Together)
I've been so happy loving you

If every word I said could make you laugh
I'd talk forever
Forever, forever
I'll be so happy loving you.

You almost made my cry my love, you make me the happiest person in the whole world!

K o m m e n t e r a
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Follow the dream

"You may not ever be happy if you dont follow your dreams,
so dream and dream BIG."
I don't wanna waste my life anymore on things that has no meaning what so ever to my life.
I just wanna do the things I love and that Im the most passionate about.
But the question is, will I ever?

K o m m e n t e r a
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K o m m e n t e r a
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Bästaste & knäppaste syrran i hela världen, saknar dig ♥

K o m m e n t e r a
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Mina älskade vänner, saknar er så otroligt mycket!

K o m m e n t e r a
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You wanna see me smile?

Have a how-to-clown-makeup-tutorial with pictures to upload here but cant find any energy to edit all the photos and write all the text, but here's a lil "sneek-peek",  not really the right pics but kinda the same makeup :)

K o m m e n t e r a
1 kommentarer

Mini uppdatering

Hej peeps :)

Ville bara säga att jag har såååå mycket bilder att ladda upp, från USA & lite Halloween grejjer MEN eftersom min stora dator är i Sverige har jag bara min minidator, vilket suger för det är svårt att redigera bilder på den när skärmen är så liten & den är ganska seg. Men snart så!

I've so many pics from USA and Halloween to upload here but since my normal/big computer is in sweden Im using my tiny one, and that sucks cause its really hard to edit pictures on it when the screen is super small and it's pretty slow as well. But hopefullt soon! 

Me & my heart at Times Square, NYC

K o m m e n t e r a
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Easy wound

Since it's (finally) the WORLD ZOMBIE DAY tomorrow and Halloween is coming up
I've been practising  making a fake wound today on my hand. Im not at all an expert at this and it was a bit hard to make the tissue and the liquid latex blend in to the skin  considering I only have one foundation and in the wrong colour :P

But here's the result :)

The products I've used for this is:

And then I also used:

* Eyeshadows - dark red, dark brown & dark green
* Tissues
* Two eyeshadow brushes and a lip brush I dont care that much about
* A tweezer
How to do it:

* Start off with a clean hand.
* Separate a tissue so it's really thin.
* Smear out the liquid latex where you want the wound to be, then put the tissue over it, let dry a bit.
* Start to create a texture by pulling up small pieces of the paper from your hand (or wherever you've choosen to put the wound). 
* Put some more latex on and continue with theese two steps until you're satisfied with the shape.
* Cover up the entire "wound to be" with a foundation close to your skin colour.
* Fill in the empty wholes with a dark red and a dark brown eyeshadow. You can also dust some eyeshadow where you pulled up the tissue to create more "dept" to the wound.
* Take your thick blood and start fill in all the wholes with a small lip brush. Make the layer thicker at some parts to make it look more greasy and dried out.
* Take your eyeshadows and start brusing up the wound. Put the most of the eyeshadows on the edges of the wound to make it blend in more with your normal skin. Also put some in the middle and a little bit everywhere really, just do whatever you like here to make it as realistic as possible :)
* Drip some of the liquid blood all over the wound and leave it like it is, or you can smeare it out, up to you :)
And you're DONE!
Hope you enjoyed, leave a comment if you would like any other simple tutorials related to Halloween :)

K o m m e n t e r a
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K o m m e n t e r a
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So true

All the time, everyday.

K o m m e n t e r a
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Agnes <3

Feel good

K o m m e n t e r a
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