My chaos

"I've heard so many people tell those who suffer depression to just 'cheer up.' I wonder if they can really believe that it’s that simple.
 
Depression isn't just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just ‘has depression.’ You suffer from it. This is depression:
 
You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say 'nothing, I'm just tired.' Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they'll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of time you can push away the guilt.  
 
Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose...anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don't know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend you night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That's when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you'll be too scared to ask for the help you need.
 
You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Don’t worry, it won’t always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and you’ll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.
 
Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like it’s lost anything it had holding it together. That’s what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.
 
Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you can’t find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.
 
Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. You’ve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you won’t even let yourself experience. You don’t deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive ‘episodes.’ You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.
 
Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, it’s much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that there’s no such thing as ‘winning’ and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, it’s difficult to see a future or a reason to fight."
 
Welcome to my world.
 



K o m m e n t e r a
2 kommentarer



Finally

I'm being helped.



K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



29/11 2011 ♥

A whole year spent with you by my side, the love of my life.
Before I met you I could never imagine that someone like you actually existed, it wasn't real for me, this was not happening to me.
Love wasn't real for me, it didn't exist.

You've showed me what love actually is all about; it is to always care, never judge and always be there for each other. I've heard thoose things so many times but they've always proved me wrong. "If we don't love the flaws, we don't deserve the goods" right?

You make me laugh & you make my heart smile when Im with you.

I love you Lance Curran, today tomorrow and for always! ♥

"Love is when somebody gives you a shoulder to cry on.

Love is when somebody makes you laugh when you're sad.

Love is when you miss somebody whenever they are gone.

Love is when whenever you see that person you feel glad.

Loving somebody is choosing not to see their flaws.

A human being will never be perfect.

Everything that person does you will give a loud applause.

Cause in your eyes everything that person does is correct.

You want them to smile.

You would work extra just to be with that person.

Even if it would be just for a while.

Love is unconditional, that's the truth."





K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



Forever song




If every word I said could make your laugh
I'd talk forever (together my Love)
I asked the sky just what we had
It show forever (together my Love)
If the song I sing to you could fill your heart with joy
I'd sing it forever (together my Love)

Forever, forever (Together)
I've been so happy loving you

Let the love I have for you
Live in your heart and be forever (together my Love)

Forever, forever (Together)
I've been so happy loving you

If every word I said could make you laugh
I'd talk forever
Forever, forever
I'll be so happy loving you.

You almost made my cry my love, you make me the happiest person in the whole world!
I LOVE YOU MY LANCE CURRAN ♥



K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



Follow the dream

"You may not ever be happy if you dont follow your dreams,
so dream and dream BIG."
 
I don't wanna waste my life anymore on things that has no meaning what so ever to my life.
I just wanna do the things I love and that Im the most passionate about.
But the question is, will I ever?



K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



Sometimes




K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



Sis

 
Bästaste & knäppaste syrran i hela världen, saknar dig ♥



K o m m e n t e r a
1 kommentarer



 
Mina älskade vänner, saknar er så otroligt mycket!



K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



.




K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



My sunshine

 
Every time I look at you
You always look so beautiful
Driving on the road again
The Chevys packed than and it is dust
And I would take some photographs
So I can dream of you

Can't say I've felt
Such twisting in my heart this way
We picture Ted and Avon sleeping
While you stay awake
The fire's burning softly
Singing songs so close to you

Do you believe
In love at first sight?
I think you do
We're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my life

Can't take away those times
We stayed up and we talked all night
Chain smoking cigarettes and
Three bottles of red wine
Falling asleep together
Holding your body close to mine

And in the morning
Your eyes opened so innocent
The sun is blazing we are sweating
You look lovely
Nothing else matters anymore
'Coz you're in my arms again

Do you believe
In love at first sight?
I think you do
We're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my life

Oh, I never want to be without you
So just stay with me
I will love you endlessly

Oh darling, darling
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my life

Do you believe
In love at first sight?
I think you do
We're lying naked under the covers
Those are the best days of my life

Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my
Those are the best days of my life.
 
 
Matt White - Best days



K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



Fail

Fail.



K o m m e n t e r a
2 kommentarer



When the sunshine is not enough




K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



teenagerposts




K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



It means no worries, for the rest of your days.




K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



The world

My mind is in pieces,
My soul, even more so.
I try to hold it together,
It never works, I know.
I dont know what I want
From the broken life I live.
Happiness is all I offer,
Laughter; all I give.
As hard as I try,
Ill never be as one.
I am falling to pieces,
And nothing can be done.
As innocent as a child,
I want all i see.
Satisfaction in itself,
Is a luxury for me.
My mind is in pieces,
My soul, even more so.
I try to hold it together,
It never works, I know.

I dont know what I want
From the broken life I live.
Happiness is all I offer,
Laughter; all I give.

As hard as I try,
Ill never be as one.
I am falling to pieces,
And nothing can be done.

As innocent as a child,
I want all I see.
Satisfaction in itself,
Is a luxury for me.



K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



Blä

Så jäkla inspirations lös, okreativ.... Ja, allt sånt.
Vill verkligen hitta tillbaka till min superkreativa period men känns som att den aldrig kommer komma tillbaka?
:(



K o m m e n t e r a
5 kommentarer



Saknad.

 

 

'

Vila i frid älskade moff ♥
“Never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.”
Jag kommer aldrig glömma dig.

 

Nu är du och mormor är förenade igen och mår bra, tillsammans.

Jag älskar dig.

Vila i frid
12/04 2012 </3




K o m m e n t e r a
1 kommentarer



Somebody That I Used To Know

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember


You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over


But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way

Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody
I used to know
Somebody
Now you're just somebody that I used to know.



K o m m e n t e r a
1 kommentarer



1 år sen
Jag minns det som det var igår.
Saknaden efter dig är enorm, jag tänker på dig varje dag. 
Jag hoppas att du sitter på den soliga ängen, äter bullar & mår bra ♥

Jag älskar dig mormor Ella ♥



Föralltid i mitt hjärta. 



K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



You are happiness

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it

Love was made for me and you, Lance ♥



K o m m e n t e r a
0 kommentarer



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