You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It’s likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because it’s so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and you’re so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say 'nothing, I'm just tired.' Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they'll believe you. It’s so much easier to lie anyway, and most of time you can push away the guilt.  

 

Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose...anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don't know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend you night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That's when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you'll be too scared to ask for the help you need.

 

 

 

♥

A whole year spent with you by my side, the love of my life.
Before I met you I could never imagine that someone like you actually existed, it wasn't real for me, this was not happening to me.
Love wasn't real for me, it didn't exist.

You've showed me what love actually is all about; it is to always care, never judge and always be there for each other. I've heard thoose things so many times but they've always proved me wrong. "If we don't love the flaws, we don't deserve the goods" right?

You make me laugh & you make my heart smile when Im with you.

I love you Lance Curran, today tomorrow and for always! ♥

"Love is when somebody gives you a shoulder to cry on.

Love is when somebody makes you laugh when you're sad.

Love is when you miss somebody whenever they are gone.

Love is when whenever you see that person you feel glad.

Loving somebody is choosing not to see their flaws.

A human being will never be perfect.

Everything that person does you will give a loud applause.

Cause in your eyes everything that person does is correct.

You want them to smile.

You would work extra just to be with that person.

Even if it would be just for a while.

Love is unconditional, that's the truth."

I don't wanna waste my life anymore on things that has no meaning what so ever to my life.

I just wanna do the things I love and that Im the most passionate about.
But the question is, will I ever?

My mind is in pieces,

My soul, even more so.

I try to hold it together,

It never works, I know.

I dont know what I want

From the broken life I live.

Happiness is all I offer,

Laughter; all I give.

As hard as I try,

Ill never be as one.

I am falling to pieces,

And nothing can be done.

As innocent as a child,

I want all i see.

Satisfaction in itself,

Is a luxury for me.